As If
2001/I
(when he realizes that Sooz is in the men's room) Jamie Collier: The men's toilet, have you grown a penis? Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: No, have you?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You were flirting with him all night! Nicki Sutton: Who? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Serge! Nicki Sutton: I was NOT. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Nicki, your knickers were around your ankles
Nicki Sutton: I wanna know who he lost his virginity to. Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: We're not doing that, are we? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Well I can tell you... She was more woman than you'll ever be, and more man than you'll ever get.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I don't want cheering up. I'm enjoying being miserable. It's a part of the process. It's like grieving. It's necessary. Nicki Sutton: It is? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Let's get this straight: For the record, I hate musicals, especially "The Wizard of Oz"! I think all modern art is pretentious junk. And shopping is NOT better than sex! Especially when it's instead of sex! Now, I don't know what manual on gay men you've been consulting, but it's out of date, all right?
(trying to dissuade Jamie from handing out flyers with his phone number on the streets) Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Do you really think any girl in her right mind is gonna call you? Jamie Collier: Two words my son... Sex Digest. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Two more... Insane asylum.
(just before she swallows a bunch of sleeping pills) Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: Life can't get any better.
(complaining about the age of consent in the UK being higher for homosexuals than for heterosexuals) Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: It's a load of crap all this consent lark. Everyone of my mates is getting it, why can't I?
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I'm not being heterophobic... Some of my best friends are straight.
(Allen's first line upon meeting student teacher Alex) Allen Rissbrook: Coming, Sir?
Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: Jaime. If you really want to help you should go and create a performance piece. You know, something alone the line of... Food as Dirt... juxtaposed with the cleansing ritual. Jamie Collier: Right, so you want me to do the washing up, then.
Tyler: Skint isn't a problem. It's a lifestyle.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: I had no idea apples were such promiscuous fruits.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Aren't you underage? Allen Rissbrook: For what? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Drinking. And it's a school night. Allen Rissbrook: All work and no play makes Al a dull boy. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You mean me or you? Allen Rissbrook: Sorry, we on a first name terms now? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: No I just... Allen Rissbrook: Tell me. Are you feeling lucky tonight then? Cause I am. Al.
Allen Rissbrook: So here's how I see it. You're almost a teacher, and I'm pretty much a student. So it'd be a really bad idea if you kissed me. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: What? Allen Rissbrook: It'd be like crossing a line. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Yeah, and that's precisely why I'm NOT gonna do it. Allen Rissbrook: No, but I can SAY ya did. Yeah? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Are you threatening me? When I can tell them that you were sitting in here, underage... Allen Rissbrook: (taking one of Alex's tequilas) Drinking a drink that you bought me? (Alex grabs his wrist) With you holding my hand? Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: You're screwed up. Allen Rissbrook: Kiss me. Or I'll say you did. You know you want to. Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: No I don't. Allen Rissbrook: Yes you do. Al... Sir...
(discussing Alex's past) Jamie Collier: Classic thing is, Right. There was this guy once. Al was totally into him. But he had to lie about his age to get him. So I think now, being around kiddies, freaks him out a bit. Allen Rissbrook: Yeah, he's nice, Al, isn't he? Jamie Collier: Yeah he is. He's always clean and punctual and... (Realizing Allan is gay) Right. Ya mean nice. Allen Rissbrook: Yeah. Jamie Collier: Sorry mate. I had ya down as one of us.
(Sooz is fanatacizing how her friends will react if she commits suicide) Sasha Williams: I'm pregnant. Sasha Williams: Let's call the baby Sooz. Even if it's a boy.
Alexander 'Alex' Stanton: Sooz, This is Jeff. We met over a few beers last night. Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee: (wrongly appraising Jeff as a trick) Right. Jeff: And what a night it was too. Could hardly walk this morning.
Jamie Collier: (thinking that Al and Jeff had a date) So, you and Al hit it off last night then? Jeff: (Thinking that he's talking about their night of drinking and darts) Yeah, his wrist action is a bit dodgy though. Needs a bit more oomph. His aim's really good. That's no use if the bloody thing keeps popping out.