Arthur
1981
Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking. Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.
Arthur: You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!
Arthur: Bitterman! Do you want to double your salary? Bitterman: Yes sir! Arthur: Then open that door!
Susan: Arthur, take my hand. Arthur: But that would only leave you with one!
Arthur Bach: Girls, girls, girls! I love girls!
Arthur Bach: I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
Hobson: Normally, someone would have to go to a bowling alley to meet someone of your stature.
Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a bath. Hobson: I'll alert the media. Arthur: Do you want to run my bath for me? Hobson: It's what I live for. (Arthur exits) Perhaps you would like me to wash your dick for you... you little shit.
(while Arthur Bach is taking a bath) Arthur Bach: God, Hobson, isn't life wonderful? Hobson: Yes it is, Arthur, do your armpits. Arthur Bach: A hot bath is Wonderful... Girls are WONDERFUL! Hobson: Yes, imagine how wonderful a girl who bathes would be... Get dressed.
Arthur Bach: I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.
Hobson: Good afternoon. If you and your undershirt will take two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.
(after Linda Marolla stole a necktie from a store) Hobson: Arthur, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation, unless you plan on knocking over a fruit-stand later this afternoon. Hobson: (to Linda Marolla) Good luck in prison.
(pointing at a mounted moose on the wall) Arthur: Where's the rest of this moose. Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another. Arthur: I do too. That's why I had to come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room. (pats the moose) Arthur: I don't have to tell you that. (points to the moose again) Arthur: You must've hated this moose. Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment! (looks at the moose then to Burt) Arthur: Right.
Arthur Bach: It's so small, they recently had the whole country carpeted.
Arthur: I've never taken care of anyone. But if you got sick, I'd take care of you. Linda: Then I'll get sick.
(Waiting at Arthur's father's office) Arthur Bach: I hate it here! Hobson: Of course you hate it. People work here.
(Of a mounted moosehead in Burt's den) Arthur Bach: You must have hated this moose.
(to the mounted moosehead in Burt's den) Arthur Bach: This must be awfully embarrassing for you.
Arthur Bach: Not all of us who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we're not poets.
Arthur: Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do.
Arthur: Don't you wish you were me? Arthur: I know I do.
Arthur: (Arthur laughs) Sometimes I just think funny stuff.
Executive: He gets all that money. Pays his family back by... by... by bein' a stinkin' drunk. It's enough ta make ya sick. Hobson: I really wouldn't know, sir. I'm just a servant. Executive: Yeah. Hobson: On the other hand, go screw yourself.
Arthur: Hobson, do you know what the worst thing is about being me? Hobson: I should imagine your breath.
Arthur: Oh stay with me Hobson. You know I hate to be alone. Hobson: Yes, bathing is a very lonely business. Arthur: Except for fish. Hobson: Pardon? Did you say "except for fish"? Arthur: Yes. . .fish all bath together. Though they do tend to eat one another. I often think. . .fish must get awful tired of sea food. What are you thoughts Hobson?
Arthur: (to mounted moose on wall) This is a tough room. I don't have to tell you that.
Arthur: It's a very tiny country... Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war.
Ralph: I take it this bum will be calling you? Linda: Dad! He's a millionaire. Ralph: You have my permission to marry him.
(while soliciting a prostitute) Arthur Bach: What I had in mind was spending the night with a stranger who loves me.
Burt Johnson: (smiling broadly) When I was twelve years old, I KILLED a man. He came into our house to steal our food. And I took a knife & I killed him in the kitchen. Arthur: (inebriated) Well, he had it coming!
Arthur: (to Burt Johnson's servant) Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?
Arthur: (to Susan Johnson) Do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir, even if its a girl?
Arthur: What are you doing later tonight? Linda: Oh, I have plans for tonight. What should I wear? Hobson: Steal something casual.
Hobson: Poor people are not loved, Arthur. They urinate in public and have very few teeth.
Hobson: I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?
Hobson: Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures.
Hobson: A little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.
Hobson: If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.
Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please? Arthur: Why? Hobson: Please. (Arthur hands him his helmet) Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles. Arthur: Why? Hobson: Please. (Arthur hands him his goggles) Hobson: Thank you. (Slaps him across the face repeatedly) Hobson: You spoiled little bastard!
Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur. Arthur: Hello, Mr Johnson. Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately. Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink? Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks. Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
Burt Johnson: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making. Arthur: You may be right. I can't decide.
Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
Linda: Nice place.. I love a living room you can land a plane in.
Arthur: Have you ever been on a yacht? Linda: No, is it wonderful? Arthur: It doesn't suck.
(in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag) Arthur Bach: Hobson, did you see that? Hobson: (wearily) Yes. Hobson: That girl just stole a tie! Hobson: Yes. Arthur Bach: Girls don't wear ties! It's the perfect crime! All right, some girls wear ties, it's not the perfect crime but it's a pretty good crime! Hobson: Yes, if she murdered the tie it would be the perfect crime.
Arthur: He's taking the knife out of the cheese! Do you think he wants some cheese?