Arsenic and Old Lace
1944
(Speaking of a character in a play he has seen) Mortimer Brewster: He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied - the big dope!
(last lines) Mortimer Brewster: No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!
Cab Driver: I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!
Dr Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense. Mortimer Brewster: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence? Dr Einstein: (agonizing) How can anybody be so stupid!
Elaine Harper: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too. Mortimer Brewster: One thing at a time!
Mortimer Brewster: This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that! Elaine Harper: (Adoring) Yes, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene? Elaine Harper: (Adoring) No, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh... (He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office)
Teddy Brewster: (His first line) I must be catching cold. Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt? Abby Brewster: Oh, no. Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it. Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
(Discussing the body count) Dr Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve. (Angrily grabs Dr Einstein's necktie) Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen! Dr Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag. Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona... Dr Einstein: Phoenix? Jonathan Brewster: The filling station... Dr Einstein: Filling station? Oh! (Slits throat) Dr Einstein: Yes. Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Dr Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia! Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him! Dr Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt? Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got? Teddy Brewster: Rooster! Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do? Teddy Brewster: Crows. Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa? Teddy Brewster: On the veldt! Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt! Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
Mortimer Brewster: Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
Mortimer Brewster: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them. Aunt Abby Brewster: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
Dr Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.
Elaine Harper: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next. Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here? (Pushes her out and slams the door; Mr Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper) Mr Gibbs: I read that there was a room for rent here... Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
Mortimer Brewster: When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
Martha Brewster: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
(after finding the dead body in the window seat) Mortimer Brewster: But - what happened to him? Martha Brewster: (cheerfully) He died.
Dr Einstein: We got a hot stiff on our hands!
Teddy Brewster: Mr Witherfork! Mr Witherspoon: Spoon!
(On the telephone) Mortimer Brewster: Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? (Hangs up) Mortimer Brewster: Well, then I must not be dreaming.
(Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon) Elaine Harper: But, Mortimer - Niagara Falls. Mortimer Brewster: It does? Well, let it.
Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Jonathan Brewster: Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr Einstein. Elaine Harper: Dr Einstein? Jonathan Brewster: Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician. Elaine Harper: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar... Jonathan Brewster: I am Jonathan Brewster!
Jonathan Brewster: We better not leave the car parked in the street. It might be against the law.
(Speaking of the Brewster sisters) Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.
(to Mortimer) Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
(Repeated line) Jonathan Brewster: Go to bed, Aunt Abby!
(to Jonathan) Mortimer Brewster: Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
Jonathan Brewster: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed. Teddy Brewster: I beg your pardon. Who are you? Jonathan Brewster: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed! Teddy Brewster: No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now - perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
Mortimer Brewster: Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
(after listening to Mortimer's description of a character in a play) Dr Einstein: You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.
(Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married) Mortimer Brewster: You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
Mortimer Brewster: All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.
Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse. Mr Witherspoon: (offended) We like to think of it as a rest home!
(threatening Mortimer) Jonathan Brewster: If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
Reporter: Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.
(singing) Mortimer Brewster: There is a Happydale, far, far away...
Mortimer Brewster: You didn't want the reverend to see the body? Aunt Abby: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Dr Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride. Jonathan Brewster: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!
Mortimer Brewster: Men don't just get into window seats and die! Abby Brewster: Of course not, dear. He died first. Mortimer Brewster: But how? Abby Brewster: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!
Jonathan Brewster: This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity!
(Meeting with Dr Gilchrist in the cemetery) Mortimer Brewster: Pull up a tombstone!
Jonathan Brewster: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method. Dr Einstein: (cringing) No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
Mortimer Brewster: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor. Teddy Brewster: Dr Livingston? Dr Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone? Mortimer Brewster: Uh, that's what he presumes.
Aunt Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
Mortimer Brewster: There's a body in the window seat. Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know. Mortimer Brewster: You know? Aunt Abby: Of course! We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster: (on the telephone) Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. (throws down the phone in disgust)
Lt Rooney: Who are you? What's your name? Mortimer Brewster: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
Aunt Abby Brewster: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth? Mortimer Brewster: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
Mortimer Brewster: Wait outside. Dr Gilchrist: But it's Halloween! Mortimer Brewster: Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.
Jonathan Brewster: (pulling on surgical gloves) And now doctor... we go to work! Dr Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink! Jonathan Brewster: Pull yourself together, doctor! Dr Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
Elaine Harper: (Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine) Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking? Mortimer Brewster: Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!
Mortimer Brewster: What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me? Martha Brewster: We knew you'd find out in time.
Mortimer Brewster: (trying to make Jonathan leave) Now, here's ten dollars. Why don't you be a good sport and go out and haunt yourself a hotel?
Jonathan Brewster: The home of my youth... As a child, I wanted to escape it. Now, I want to escape back into it.
Teddy Brewster: Charge!
Dr Einstein: (hat falling across his eyes) Well, I'm off to Panama. Bon voyage!
Mortimer Brewster: Even the cat's in on it!
Mortimer Brewster: (watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette) Go on - fight, fight. I don't care. Mortimer Brewster: (watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe) Oh, don't do that. It never works. Mortimer Brewster: (Jonathan collapses) What do you know? it worked!
Teddy Brewster: This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you. Dr Einstein: My how I've changed.
Mortimer Brewster: (to Dr Einstein) Stop underacting, I can't hear you!
Teddy Brewster: (after charging up the stairs) We're going to attack the bunker! Police Sgt. Brophy: The bunker? Aunt Abby: Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.
Mortimer Brewster: You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?
Teddy Brewster: (Mr Witherspoon has just met Teddy and Teddy pulls Mortimer aside) Is he ready to move in before I get ready to leave the White house? Mortimer Brewster: Who? Teddy Brewster: (points to Mr Witherspoon) Taft!
Mortimer Brewster: Now look, darling, how did he die? Abby Brewster: Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Mortimer Brewster: Well, how did the poison get in the wine? Martha Brewster: Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.