Animal Crackers
1930
Capt Spaulding: How much would you charge to run into an open manhole? Ravelli: Just the cover charge. Capt Spaulding: Well, drop in sometime. Ravelli: Sewer. Capt Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Capt Spaulding: I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother? Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli. Capt Spaulding: You're Emanuel Ravelli? Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli. Capt Spaulding: Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance. Ravelli: Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike. Capt Spaulding: Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you. Capt Spaulding: (directly to camera) Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in a while.
Capt Spaulding: You left out a Hoongadoonga. The most important one, too.
Capt Spaulding: Now read me the letter, Jamison. Horatio Jamison: (reading) "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga... " Capt Spaulding: (correcting him) Hungerdunger. (they say the "hung" syllable in unison) Hoong. Horatio Jamison: Hungerdunger. Capt Spaulding: That's it, Hungerdunger. Horatio Jamison: (continues reading) "... care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick." Capt Spaulding: You've left out a Hungerdunger. You left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh? (pause) All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead. (Jamison nods and writes) Capt Spaulding: I tell you what you do, Jamison, I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungerdunger. They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow. Horatio Jamison: (rushes quickly through what he's just written) "... Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger... and McCormick." Capt Spaulding: And McCormick. Horatio Jamison: (reading) "Gentlemen, question mark." Capt Spaulding: (correcting him) Gentlemen, question mark? Put it on the penultimate, not on the diphthongic. You wanna brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him. Horatio Jamison: (reading) "In re yours of the fifth inst... " Capt Spaulding: I see. Horatio Jamison: Now, uh... you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them. Mrs Rittenhouse: Well! Capt Spaulding: Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. (suddenly tries to hit Jamison with his switch, but misses; he falls) Mrs Rittenhouse: (helps Spaulding up) Oh, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my. Capt Spaulding: (to Jamison) So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all. You've just left out the body of the letter, that's all. Yours is not to reason why, Jamison. You've left out the body of the letter. (pause) All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow. (swings his switch indignantly) Horatio Jamison: Do you want the body in brackets? Capt Spaulding: No, it'll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it, uh... "fragilly." Horatio Jamison: Mark it what? Capt Spaulding: Mark it fragilly. F-R-A-G... Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary. Look under "fragile." Look under the table if you don't find it there.
(Spaulding has repeatedly told Jamison to take a letter to Spaulding's lawyers, but he has kept interrupting himself) Capt Spaulding: I say, take a letter to my lawyers! Horatio Jamison: Well I am taking it! (long pause, as nothing has yet been written) Capt Spaulding: Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick... semicolon. Horatio Jamison: How do you spell semicolon? Capt Spaulding: All right, make it a comma. (pause) Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hunger... (rushes through the repetition) ... and McCormick. (pause) Gentlemen, question mark? (grunts) Horatio Jamison: Do you want that, uh, (grunt) in the letter? Capt Spaulding: No, put that in an envelope. (pause) Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep... brackets... (pause) ... We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our... precautionary measures which have been involved... (pause) ... uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes... (pause) ... uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain... Horatio Jamison: (interrupting) Hoping this finds him where? Capt Spaulding: Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison. (insultingly) Sneak. (pause) I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That's all, Jamison.
(Jamison finishes reading the letter that Spaulding dictated to him) Horatio Jamison: (reading) "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes." Capt Spaulding: That's three quotes? Horatio Jamison: Yes, sir. Capt Spaulding: Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison? Horatio Jamison: Regards. Capt Spaulding: Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.
Capt Spaulding: (to Mrs Rittenhouse and Mrs Whitehead) Let's get married. Mrs Whitehead: All of us? Capt Spaulding: All of us. Mrs Whitehead: Why, that's bigamy. Capt Spaulding: Yes, and it's big of me too.
Mrs Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless. Capt Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.
Capt Spaulding: Africa is God's country, and he can have it.
Capt Spaulding: Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.
Capt Spaulding: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Capt Spaulding: You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.
Capt Spaulding: Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.
Capt Spaulding: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
(Dictating a letter) Capt Spaulding: Gentlemen... question mark.
Capt Spaulding: You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.
Capt Spaulding: Have you met Conductor Hennessey? Inspector Hennessey: Inspector. Capt Spaulding: *You* inspect her.
(Ravelli is playing the piano) Capt Spaulding: When you come near a song, let me know.
Capt Spaulding: Living with your folks... living with your folks... the beginning of the end... drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows... hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time... and in those corridors I see figures... straaange figures... weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.
Capt Spaulding: Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.
Ravelli: (taunting Roscoe Chandler) Abie the fish man! Abie the fish man! Abie the fish man!
Capt Spaulding: Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?
Capt Spaulding: Play that song about the Irish chiropodist. Ravelli: Irish chiropodist? Capt Spaulding: "My Fate Is In Your Hands".
Guests: Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer! Capt Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorrer? Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray! Horatio Jamison: He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts. Capt Spaulding: If I stay here, I'll go nuts. Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science. Capt Spaulding: Hey, hey! Mrs Rittenhouse: He is the only white man who covered every acre... Capt Spaulding: I think I'll try and make her... Guests: Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Capt Spaulding: I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.
Ravelli: (asking Roscoe Chandler about his new identity) How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler? Roscoe Chandler: Say, how did you get to be an Italian? Ravelli: Never mind that, whose confession is this?
Capt Spaulding: A party. I came here for a party. And what happened? Nothing. Not even ice cream.
(to Mrs Rittenhouse and Mrs Whitehead) Capt Spaulding: You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave.
Capt Spaulding: Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You *have* got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
Mrs Rittenhouse: I'm fascinated. Capt Spaulding: I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm.
Capt Spaulding: If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you're very fortunate the Theatre Guild isn't putting this on. And so is the Guild!
Capt Spaulding: How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.
Ravelli: (while playing the same first part over and over) I can't think of the finish! Capt Spaulding: That's funny, I can't think of anything else.