America's Sweethearts
2001
(to her assistant) Gwen: Nobody knows what it is like being me. Did we brush my teeth?
Eddie: I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I'm my own entourage!
Eddie: (to Gwen) You're the devil.
Hector: I really want to play a character like a The Terminator. You know because the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own. You know, that they can relate to...
Lee: Okay. Siegfried and Roy just left the building. Danny: Siegfried and Roy are here? Lee: No. Not the real Siegfried and R... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this stupid game, you schmuck.
Hector: Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!
Kiki: That woman that was standing near the pool, the one who you fantasize, and want to spend the rest of your life with; that was me.
Eddie: Kiki! Hold on, hold on. I wanna talk. Kiki: Let go of me. Eddie: Just... I wanna talk to you. Kiki: I don't want to talk to you! Eddie: Why not? Kiki: Because you're an idiot. Eddie: Well? Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too! In that respect we're actually quite perfect for each other. Eddie: This is a very complicated situation. Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not gonna work. Alright? I mean last night... last night was, was great. But then she calls you this morning, and you just cannot wait to get out of the door to get to her. What is that? It's just not going to work 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you are thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing. Eddie: What? Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night... No that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with, that was me.
Gwen: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Eddie: Actually, it really is a gun. (shoots her multiple times)
(impersonating Gwen) Kiki: Kiki? Kiki-kins? Is that smoke? Is someone smoking? Is someone smoking within a six-mile radius of where I'm standing? Stop them, Kiki! Stop them! Kiki, my butter has touched another food! I need new butter!
Wellness Guide: Life's a cookie
Gwen: Your pillow's better than mine.
Eddie: I'm going to be truthful with you. I just took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be feeling pretty good until March.
Gwen: ... Oh, and Hector is very well endowed. Hector: Almost too well endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.
Kingman: I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on fifteen seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the TITLES! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue." We HAD to do a Hal Weidmann picture! Davis: The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius. Kingman: No! There was only one genius in this business, and that was Senžor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the man had a career for eighty-five years!
Lee: (to Gwen's Dobberman) Nazi!
Eddie: And I am not on Zoloft, no matter what you read in People Magazine.
Lee: The movie was fantastic! Everyone loved it! They call it the Blair Bitch Project
Gwen: We are like Sodom and Gomorrah
Eddie: I hit him in the tray with my face.
Eddie: Dear Mom, fuck you.
Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government, and had it moved onto his property. That's where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Danny: Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat the monkey is in daycare.
Lee: Gwen, your dog just swallowed the window washer. Gwen: Puppy! Lee: Puppy? It's a raptor. Kiki: Time for prozac. Lee: She's taking prozac? Kiki: If only, the dog.
Hector: I'm with Gwen now. We're a couple. So we're gonna go to the "hhhunket" together.
Kiki: I bet you've never read a book in your life. Gwen: Ha! I read *all four* of the Harry Potter books!
Hector: That thing about my penis... that is bull chit
Eddie: I'm grateful for the earth... I'm grateful for the sky...
Gwen: Everyone hates me, everyone wants a piece of me. My therapist is out of the country, I wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone!
Gwen: He was outside my cottage doing something... Not Good! Lee: Gwen, everybody does it. Gwen: I know everyone does it! That's not the point!
Lee: Will you please go talk to your sister? You're the only one she'll pretend to listen to. Kiki: (sighs) Where is she? Lee: Grazing.
Gwen: Kiki? What was the name of that movie? Kiki: I don't give a shit! Eddie: No, that wasn't it.
Lee: And if you're in love, you should just go for it... The way you went for this breakfast.
Hector: You mean I'm not invited to the "hunket?" Lee: I'm thorry, it wath the thudio'th dethithion.
Lee: Survival Rule #3, kid: you're not here to love anyone, you're here to promote a movie.
Kiki: (imitating Gwen) Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who's smoking? I smell smoke, within the six miles radius of where I'm standing! Stop them Kiki, stop them!
Kiki: (imitating Gwen) My butter has touched another food, I need new butter. Anything they want, isn't the right Lee? You're a publicist. She had a green dress, looked like crap on her, brought out the bags under her eyes. She knew it, I knew it, she gave it to me. It actually looks pretty good on me. Then she decides maybe she wants it back. She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. Lee: So you're in love with Eddie, is that it? Kiki: No. Wouldn't that be stupid?
Lee: (to Gwen's dog) Can I explain why I haven't called?
Kiki: Did they run out of butter or something? How could they run out of butter. I should have an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be out milking a COW and I would never run out of butter!
Hector: He's gonna be a pussy pancake.
Eddie: I can't do this Lee.
Eddie: (to Kiki) Of all the things in the world, I am most grateful for you. Kiki: If that's a line from one of your movies... Eddie: No that one's mine.
Kiki: Nobody's out to get you. Gwen: Oh yea they are. I was in a store, you know that great store on Melrose? And there was this baby in a stroller and it was looking up at me and it was judging me. The whole world is judging me Kiki.
Wellness Guide: You know we have an old saying: Meck-a-leck-a-hala-baad bean-sala-bean. Eddie: Meck-a-leck-a... ? Wellness Guide: Meck-a-leck-a-hala-baad bean-sala-bean. Eddie: Meck-a-leck-a-hala-baad bean-sala-bean... mecka-leck-a... what does that mean? Wellness Guide: I don't know what it means, it's very old.
Lee: Hi, can I get Holly Golightly's room please? Danny: Who's that? Lee: It's Gwen's code name, it's from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Danny: Oh, what's that? Lee: It's a movie, a great movie, Hepburn. Danny: Right, Katherine. Lee: Do me a favor, don't tell anyone you're in the movies.
Eddie: (after Hector hits him in the face with a tray) I can feel my nose in the back of my throat, is that bad?
Lee: The next time you try to kill yourself take a hairdryer into the bathtub.