Aladdin
1992
Jafar: Gazeem was obviously less than worthy. Iago: Oh, there's a big surprise. That's an incredible... I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die, from that surprise.
Iago: Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.
Aladdin: Princess Jasmine, you're very... Genie: Wonderful! Magnificent! Glorious!... Punctual! Aladdin: Punctual! Princess Jasmine: Punctual? Genie: Sorry. Aladdin: Uh... uh... beautiful! Genie: Nice recovery.
Sultan: Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course! I'm delighted to meet you. (he shakes Aladdin's hand) Sultan: This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted, too. Jafar: (*very* dryly) Ecstatic.
(Iago is powering a mystic device by footpower) Iago: With all due respect, Your Rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a *real* storm? Jafar: Save your breath, Iago. Faster! Iago: Yes, oh, mighty evil one.
Genie: Three, no substitutions, exchanges or refunds.
Genie: Rule number three, I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!
(as a female tour guide) Genie: Thank you for choosing "Magic Carpet" for all your travel needs. Don't stand till the rug has come to a complete stop. Thank you. Goodbye, now. Goodbye. Goodbye, thank you. Goodbye. (back to normal) Genie: Well, how about *that*, Mr Doubting Mustafa? Aladdin: Oh, you sure showed me. Now about my three wishes... Genie: Dost mine ears deceive me? "Three?" You are down by one, boy! Aladdin: Ah, no, I never actually wished to get out of the cave. Heh. You did that on your own. (the Genie's mouth drops) Genie: Oh. Well, I feel sheepish. (turns into a sheep) Genie: All right, you baaaaaad boy. But no more freebies.
Genie: All right, sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady, ya gotta be a straight shooter. Do ya got it?
Genie: Oi! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck.
Jafar: How many times do I have to kill you, boy?
Jafar: You are late. Gazeem: A thousand apologies, oh, patient one.
Genie: It's all part and parcel of the whole genie gig: phenomenal cosmic powers, itty-bitty living space.
Genie: Enough about you, Casanova. Talk about her. She's smart, fun. The hair, the eyes. Anything. Pick a feature.
Genie: Never fails. You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.
Genie: Yo, Rugman! Haven't seen you in a few millennia. Give me some tassel.
Jafar: You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.
Sultan: Jafar, you vile betrayer. Iago: That's Sultan Vile Betrayer to you.
(the Genie and the flying carpet are playing chess) Genie: So, move. (the carpet makes a move) Genie: That's a good move. (a la Rodney Dangerfield) Genie: I can't believe it. I'm losin' to a rug.
Genie: Oh, Al. I'm gettin' kinda fond of you, kid. Not that I wanna pick out curtains or anything.
(Abu is swinging a stolen sword at the guards) Guard: (frightened) He's got a sword. Razoul: You idiots. We've all got swords.
Jafar: (to Iago) I love how your fowl little mind works.
(to Jafar) Princess Jasmine: At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am Queen, I will have the power to get rid of *you*. Sultan: Well, now. That's nice. All settled then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business... Jasmine? Jasmine! (the Sultan notices that Jasmine is running out of the room, and runs after) Jafar: If only I had gotten that lamp. Iago: (mocking Jasmine) "I will have the power to get rid of you." Grrrr. To think we gotta keep kissin' up to that chump, and his chump daughter, for the rest of our lives... Jafar: No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished. Or... beheaded. Jafar, Iago: Ewwww... Iago: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, Jafar, what if *you* were the chump husband? Jafar: What? Iago: Okay, okay. *You* marry the princess, all right? A-and then... oh, then *you* become the sultan! Jafar: Marry the shrew. I become sultan. The idea has merit. Iago: Yes, merit. Yes! And then, we drop poppa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff... "Yaaaah! Kersplat!" Jafar: (laughs) I love the way your foul little mind works.
Genie: But oh, to be free. Not to have to go "Poof! Whaddaya need," "Poof! Whaddaya need," "Poof! Whaddaya need?". To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.
Jafar: (disguised as prisoner) You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you? Whoever has the gold makes the rules. (smiles showing his hideous teeth)
Merchant: (holds up lamp) Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp. It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man, who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed. A diamond in the rough.
Aladdin: Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake? Jafar: A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how sss-snake-like I can be. (he changes into one, and his voice changes with it, too)
Aladdin: They want to make me Sultan. No, they want to make Prince Ali Sultan. Without you, I'm just Aladdin. Genie: Al, you won. Aladdin: Because of you. The only reason anybody thinks I'm worth anything is because of you. What if they find out I'm not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I'd lose her. Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I-I can't wish you free. Genie: Fine, I understand. Genie: (shrinking into his lamp) Genie: After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was beginning to feel left out. Genie: (angrily) Now, if you'll excuse me... *master*... Genie: (disappears into his lamp resentfully)
(Iago is disguised as a flamingo. He turns around and finds a real flamingo smiling in his face) Iago: You got a problem... (he trips the flamingo with his stilts) Iago: ... pinky?
(leaving to go travel the world) Genie: I'm history. No, I'm mythology. Ah, I don't care what I am, I'm free!
Razoul: (to Aladdin) We just keep running into each other, don't we, street rat?
(Princess Jasmine is in disguise, and hanging out with Aladdin; the guards capture him) Princess Jasmine: Let him go. Razoul: Looky here, men. A street *mouse*. (throws her down) Princess Jasmine: (pulls off the hood of her cloak) Unhand him... by order of the Princess. Razoul: Princess Jasmine. Aladdin: The Princess? Razoul: What are you doing outside the palace? And with this street rat? Princess Jasmine: That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him. Razoul: Well, I would, Princess, except that my orders come from Jafar. You'll have to take it up with him. Princess Jasmine: Believe me, I will.
Razoul: Why, Princess Jasmine. What are you doing outside the palace walls? And with this street rat? Princess Jasmine: That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him. Razoul: Well, I would, princess, except my orders come from Jafar. So, you'll have to take it up with him. Princess Jasmine: Believe me, I will.
Aladdin: All this for a loaf of bread?
(last lines) Genie: Made you look.
Cave of Wonders: Who disturbs my slumber?
Guard: You won't get away so easy. Aladdin: You think that was easy?
Iago: Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts. Jafar. Jafar! Get a grip! (Jafar grabs Iago by the throat) Iago: Ack! Good grip.
Aladdin: Provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? Some all-powerful Genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't get us out of this cave. Looks like we'll have to find a way out of here. Genie: Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden you're walking out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're getting your wishes, so sit down!
Aladdin: Wow. The palace looks pretty amazing, huh? Princess Jasmine: (disappointed) Oh, it's wonderful. Aladdin: I wonder what it'd be like to live there, and have servants and valets. Princess Jasmine: Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress. Aladdin: That's better than here. You're always scraping for food and ducking the guards. Princess Jasmine: You're not free to make your own choices. Aladdin: Sometime you feel so... Princess Jasmine: You're just... Aladdin, Princess Jasmine: ... trapped.
Woman: Getting in trouble a little early today, aren't we, Aladdin? Aladdin: Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught. Razoul: Gotcha! Aladdin: I'm in trouble.
Princess Jasmine: Please, try to understand. I've never done a thing on my own. I've never had any real friends. (Rajah grumbles) Princess Jasmine: Except you, Rajah. I've never even been outside the palace walls. Sultan: But, Jasmine, you're a princess. Princess Jasmine: Then maybe I don't want to be a princess anymore. Sultan: (Exasperated) Ooooh! I... I... (to Rajah) Sultan: Allah forbid you should have any daughters.
Genie: (as tailor) First, that fez-and-vest combo is much too third-century. These patches. What are we trying to say? Beggar? No. Work with me here. (after taking measurements, turns Aladdin's rags into fine clothes) Genie: Ooh, I like it! Muy macho! Very nice.
Genie: What would you wish of me? Genie: (as Arnold Schwarzenegger) The ever impressive... Genie: (as if trapped in a box) ... the long-contained... Genie: (as Seņor Wences) ... the often immitated, but never... Genie: (multiplies himself) Genie: ... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... Genie of the Lamp! Genie: (as Ed Sullivan) Right here, direct from the lamp. Right here for your very much wish-fulfillment. Thank you.
Merchant: Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment. And the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan! On sale today! Come on down.
Iago: I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers... Bam! Whack! Jafar: Calm yourself, Iago. Soon I will be sultan, not that addlepated twit. Iago: And then I stuff the crackers down his throat.
Genie: I'm telling you, nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi! Where you from? What's your name? Aladdin: Uh... Aladdin. Genie: Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you Al, or maybe just Din? Genie: (turns into a Scotsman) Genie: Or, how about Laddie? It sounds like, "Here, boy!" Genie: (whistles) Genie: C'mon, Laddie! Genie: (turns into a dog) Aladdin: I must've hit my head harder than I thought.
Genie: Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that, or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side. Do I look different to you?
Genie: I'm free. I'm free. Quick. Quick, wish for something outrageous. Say, "I want the Nile." Wish for the Nile. Try that. Aladdin: Um, I wish for the Nile. Genie: No way! Genie: (laughs) Genie: Oh, does that feels good!
Aladdin: (saving Jasmine from an irate merchant) Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. I've been looking all over for you. Princess Jasmine: (whispering) What are you doing? Aladdin: (whispering) Just play along. Man in market: You, uh, know this girl? Aladdin: Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy. Man in market: She said she knew the sultan. Aladdin: She thinks the monkey is the sultan. Princess Jasmine: (bowing to Abu) Oh, wise sultan, how may I serve you? Aladdin: Tragic, isn't it? But, no harm done. Now, come along, sis. Time to go to the doctor. Princess Jasmine: (to a camel) Oh, hello, doctor. How are you? Aladdin: No, no, no. Not that one.
Iago: (taking the lamp) Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you. Iago: (as Jafar) Excellent work, Iago. Iago: Ah, go on. Iago: (as Jafar) No, really. On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven. Iago: Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing.
Jafar: You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth. Iago: Squeeze him, Jafar. Squeeze him like a... (the Genie slaps Iago into the air) Jafar: Without the genie, boy, you're nothing. Aladdin: The genie. The genie! The genie has more power than you'll ever have. Jafar: What? Aladdin: He gave you your power. He can take it away. Genie: Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this? Aladdin: Face it, Jafar. You're still just second best. Jafar: You're right. His power does exceed my own. But not for long. Genie: The boy is crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. One too many hits with the snake. Jafar: Slave, I make my third wish. I wish to be an all-powerful genie. Genie: All right. Your wish is my command. Way to go, Al.
Genie: Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it, *great*!
Genie: (Genie realizes that Jafar has stolen the lamp - looks at a script) Tonight, the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man.
Iago: Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jafar, what if YOU were the chump husband? Jafar: What? Iago: Okay, okay, YOU marry the princess, all right? Then YOU become the sultan!
Iago: (to Jafar) And then, we drop Papa-in-Law and the little woman off a cliff... YAAAAAHHHHH! KERSPLAT!
Princess Jasmine: Jafar? Jafar: Oh, Princess. Iago: (Jafar closes the door on Iago) Jafar, I'm stuck! Jafar: How may I be of service to you? Princess Jasmine: The guards just took a boy from the market, ON YOUR ORDERS! Jafar: Your father's charged me with keeping peace in Agrabah. The boy was a criminal. Princess Jasmine: What was his crime? Iago: I can't breathe, Jafar! Jafar: (Ignoring Iago) Why, kidnapping the princess, of course. Iago: If you could just- (Jafar kicks Iago back through the door) OW! That hurt! Princess Jasmine: He didn't kidnap me, I ran away! Jafar: (pretending to be shocked) Oh, dear! Oh, how frightfully upsetting! Had I but known! Princess Jasmine: What do you mean? Jafar: Sadly, the boy's sentence has already been carried out. Princess Jasmine: What sentence? Jafar: (In a sinister tone) Death! (Jasmine gasps) Jafar: By beheading! Princess Jasmine: (In almost a whisper) No! (Jasmine sits down in shock) Jafar: I am exceedingly sorry, Princess. Princess Jasmine: (In a whisper) How could you? (Jasmine runs out of the room, crying) (Iago makes it through the door. He goes up to Jafar wheezing and coughing) Iago: So, how did it go? Jafar: I think she took it... rather well!
Jafar: (hypnotizing the Sultan with his snake staff) You will order the Princess to marry me. Sultan: (hypnotized) I will order the Princess to... (suddenly breaks out of the trance) But you're so *old*!
Jafar: I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-boo-boo.
Genie: That's right! He can be taught!
Aladdin: (picking up the lamp) This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to... (sees Abu taking a ruby) Aladdin: Abu! No! Cave of Wonders: Infidels! Abu the Monkey: Uh, oh. Cave of Wonders: You have touched the forbidden treasure! Now. Now you will never again see the light of day!
Prince Achmed: You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you. Aladdin: I'm not worthless! And I don't have fleas! (Aladdin scratches his head)
(worried about Jasmine's refusal to choose a suitor) Sultan: I don't know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky.
(last lines after credits) Genie: You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, fellas! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!
Princess Jasmine: I am not some prize to be won!
Jafar: (after being brought into the lamp) Get your blasted beak out of my face! Iago: Oh shut up, ya moron! Jafar: Don't tell me to shut up!
Genie: I can't help you, I work for Seņor Psychopath now!
Merchant: Ahh! Salam and good evening to you worthy friend, please, please come closer. (camera hits narrator in the face) Too close!