8 Simple Rules... for Dating My Teenage Daughter
(answering cell phone) Kyle: Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?
Paul: For Michigan fans, football is a religion. And the Ohio State game is Easter.
Paul: Fine, you can take the mini-van. Bridget: You want me to drive the Loser Cruiser?
Cate: Are you okay? Paul: I'm mad at something you said. Cate: What? Paul: 'Let's start a family'!
Bridget: I need more boyfriends.
Paul: Hold it, I can see your bra and that sling-shot you're wearing. Kerry: Must be Casual Sex Day at school. Bridget: It's a thong. Paul: It's floss.
(Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt) Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that? Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school. Bridget: Hey, at least I get... (Paul turns to Bridget) Bridget: ... Look good. Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot your wearing under your pants. Bridget: It's a thong. Paul: It's floss. Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello? Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day. Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation. Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. Your always walking around with a wedgie!
Rory: Uh, Dad... Paul: Not now Rory! Rory: But it's important! Paul: I said just a minute! Rory: (opens front door) Well ok... Paul: Is that Bridget? Is that Bridget driving my car? Without a license? Rory: Oh, so now you wanna know.
Kerry Hennessy: Two! Four! Six! Eight! These mashed potatoes are really great!
Kerry Hennessy: I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the Airhead Squad. Aim High!
Bridget: Daddy, can our boyfriends come over on Thanksgiving? Paul: No! Bridget: Okay, Daddy, can they come over Thursday?
Paul: Honey, you can do anything as long as you never root for Ohio State.
Bridget: I don't need to go to college because I already know what I want to be. An estitician!
Cate: You want to be a beautician? Paul: A facialist? Rory: A zit-popper?
Kerry: Your oldest daughter has been in the bathroom for, like, an hour. Paul: An hour? What is she doing in there? Kerry: Well we can rule out reading.
Paul: Would somebody like to listen to my announcement? Kerry: Switched at birth. Please say I was switched at birth.
Paul: One more smart remark like that, young lady, and there will be serious consequences. Kerry: My life is a consequence.
Rory: I think I need some alone time.
Cate: Ok, girls. Broccoli or zucchini? Bridget: What? For dinner? Kerry: (sarcastically) No... She's making a hat!
Kerry: Don't mess with the middle child!
Bridget: Maybe the bears wanna dance!
Kerry: Oh come on Dad. Do you really think that in six months I will be more prepared to date? Paul: No, but I will.
(Paul has a dream and is in the "Three's Company" house) Paul: This looks strangely familiar.
Kyle: I'm gonna go to the other side of the mall, touch it, and come back.
Kyle: Hey Bridget, you should wear a bikini to the party and go as "hot."
Paul: Rory! Go sit in the car! Rory: But, dad! We're at home! Paul: GO SIT IN THE CAR!
(a little girl dressed as an angel comes to the door on Haloween accompanied by her father) Angel: Trick or Treat! I'm an angel! Paul: Yeah, you may be an angel now, but in a few years you're going to be killing your father! Angel: Daddy!
(after tricking C.J. into driving to Canada for no reason) Jim: The pain in my hip is still here, but the pain in my ass is in Canada!
Paul: Rory, you're baking cookies? Rory: Big cookies. Man cookies. Cookies with nuts!
Kerry: I just think it's funny that your'e worried about me when Bridget says stuff like "I'm going to the library."
Bridget: Daddy, are you sure you don't need any help, Kyle's great at undoing knots. Rory: And hooks and buttons and snaps.
Cate: Whatever happened to my good child? C.J.: The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?
Jim: That wasn't a thirty-minute shower - I fell!
Cate: Okay rusty, where's blondie?
Paul: Kyle, just so you know, if you ever pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
(after Kyle gets off the phone with a girl named Lindsay) Kyle: Uh, Mr Hennessy -... Paul: Please, Sensei. Lindsay, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me. Kyle: Sweet! Paul: As long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her, until she is finished with you. Because if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Kerry: Hey! There's a sale on Blue and Gold body paint, you could smear it all over your body and watch the game in the nude!
Kerry: Like Oh My God, my name's Bridget and I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk!
Kerry: (mimicking Bridget) Oh my God Daddy my shoe lace broke what do I do?
Kerry: (to Bridget) You know your gonna hate prison, everyone's gonna be dressed like you!
Bridget: Oh please, the only reason you're popular is because I went out with Kyle, which made him popular. And then I dumped him and you got him on the rebound which made you popular, then I had a deep relationship with Donny Doyle. Probably the most meaningful two weeks of my life of my entire life. Totally taking me out the loop creating a popularity vacuum and voila¯! Kerry: What's that supposed to mean? Bridget: I dunno; it's French, but magicians do it too.
Kerry: Mom, Fred Doyle is planning on having dinner with Dad and Jesus in Heaven? Cate: Come on it's a nice thought. Kerry: Yeah but Dad's spent three years avoiding the Doyle's annual barbecue, how's he gonna get outta that? I mean Dad's a terrible liar, and Jesus is gonna be sitting right there. Cate: Yeah and Fred going on about the difference between electric and gas powered weed whackers. And Jesus isn't going to wanna back outta that dare!
Cate: (reading Paul's last article) Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.
Paul: You know how I want your sisters to date only the good guys? Well, I want you to be good guy. Rory: You want me to date my sisters?
Rory: (to Cate while she's sleeping) You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys. You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys.
Kerry: Look at me! You said you were gonna dye my hair! I look like Dolly Parton!
Kerry: I can't believe you just called me Bridget! Bridget: Don't just sit there Kerry, thank him!
C.J.: Hey, I'm a man. I have man-like qualities.
Kerry Hennessy: How do I look? Rory: Like Kenny from South Park.
Kerry: Move it C.J.! C.J.: Whats the matter? Trouble in the cabbage patch?
Rory: Dad, do you think I'm pretty?
C.J.: Do you know what the C In C.J stands for? It's Cory. Hi, Rory, it's your cousin Cory, what you doing?
Cate: I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child. C.J.: The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?
Bridget: Hey Grampa, what's up? Jim: Blood pressure and bad cholesterol.
Kyle: (speaking to Bridget) Because of you, my girlfriend's gonna run off to Europe, and fall in love with some fancy French guy named José. Kerry: José is Spanish. Kyle: You've already met him?
(Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle) Bridget: Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy. Kerry: "I'm only seventeen, you'll go to jail"?
Cate: (walks into Ed's office) I'm not in trouble, am I? Ed Gibb: Not unless you're chewing gum. Cate: (Spits a wad of gum into a tissue)
Cate: (to Ed Gibb) Maybe we should just get off my bed.
Bridget: Mom, do you have any pictures of Dad? Cate: Well of course honey, whatever you want Bridget: Okay well I need 25 from various stages of his life... For my wallet Cate: What are you up to? Bridget: Nothing! Why are you so suspicious!
Bridget: And we also have a jacuzzi and sauna, but old people shouldnt use the sauna because it raises the heart rate, and gives everyone else the willies!
C.J.: You're kidding! My God, these kids are animals. No wonder the Japanese beat us to the moon.
Bridget: And we both met great guys! (...) Cate: So, Where'd you meet these guys? Kerry, Bridget: (simultaneously) At the mall. Cate: And, uh, what's their names? Kerry, Bridget: (simultaneously) Tyler.
Rory: No one would take me to the mini-mart, so I drove myself. There's no law against that.
Kerry: (about Bridget) I can't believe she's president. Max: Oh, *thank you*! Max: I can't believe you two are sisters. Kerry: Thank you.
Jim: Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call. Kerry: Oh no, there's no boy. Bridget: And he's really cute.
(repeated line) Cate: I swear to God, Paul!
Bridget: (watching Extreme Makeover) Oh my God Jan, you're pretty now!
Bridget: (singing in the shower) Who's the girl with the pretty legs? Bridget, Bridget. Who's the girl who makes boys stare (lowers her voice) Bridget Hennessey
Kyle: You know, they say that God is a comedian playing to an audience that's just afraid to laugh. (everyone looks at him amazed) Jim: Who said that? Kyle: It's me, Kyle.
Cate: (during a very long ?family meeting? where Paul speaks seemingly endlessly) Uh, Paul, I have a turkey in the oven. Paul: No, you don't. Cate: If I did, it would be done by now.
Bridget: (on the phone to Donny Doyle) You have reached Bridget's voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep. 'Beeeeeeep.' Kerry: That's never gonna work. Bridget: (whispering) Shhhh! He's leaving a message.
Rory: Dad? It's happening to me again. My body is doing strange and beautiful things. I'm so confused.
Lacey: Break a leg Bridget: Break a leg? Well, go get hit by a bus!
Bridget: I'll tell you what this is about! This is about me winning Jeremy and humiliating Lacey so bad that she has to hide her face and move to the Northern territory and live with the bears, until one day she starts riding the bear like a pony and it gets so mad that it turns around and eats her and it eats so much of her face that it starts to look like Lacey and all the other bears point and laugh and say, "Ha! Your face looks like Lacey's."
Bridget: (in shower) Who's the girl with the great hair? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy! Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice - lather, rinse, repeat!